Is It Love or Is It Longing? Understanding Attachment Confusion
When closeness hurts and distance does too, something deeper is at play.
You want love. Deeply.
You crave connection that feels real - where you’re known, chosen, held in your complexity. But when someone gets too close, you feel trapped. Or smothered. Or overwhelmed by the weight of their needs. And when they pull away? You panic. Or spiral. Or feel abandoned, even if you know it’s not rational.
This isn’t just “insecurity” or “bad luck.”
It’s attachment confusion - a kind of inner tug-of-war born from early relationships where safety and intimacy didn’t always go together.
When Love Wasn’t Consistently Safe
For many people, childhood love came with conditions:
A parent who was physically present but emotionally unpredictable
A caregiver who needed you to regulate them
Affection that was offered then withdrawn, depending on your behavior
Love that arrived alongside criticism, control, or volatility
In this environment, closeness wasn’t reliably nourishing. It was sometimes beautiful, sometimes hurtful, sometimes engulfing.
So your system learned:
“I want connection - but I can’t fully trust it.”
“I need love - but I also need to protect myself from it.”
Longing vs. Love
When you haven’t experienced safe, secure connection, longing can masquerade as love. You find yourself drawn to unavailable or inconsistent people - not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system is trying to complete a story it never got to finish.
You may feel most alive in the chase—the hope, the ache, the yearning.
Because that’s the only kind of love your body learned to recognize.
And when someone actually offers consistent care or presence?
You might lose interest.
Feel uneasy.
Even resentful.
Not because they’re wrong for you - but because something inside you doesn’t know how to metabolize that kind of love yet.
The Pattern Isn’t Your Fault (But It Can Be Understood)
This dynamic doesn’t mean you’re doomed in relationships. It means your attachment system is still scanning for danger in places where you long to feel safe. Therapy doesn’t “fix” this overnight, but it helps you begin to:
Name the pattern
Slow down reactivity
Learn how to receive (not just pursue) love
Build a relationship where your defenses don’t have to do all the work
Over time, you begin to trust that love isn’t something you have to earn, control, or protect yourself from. That you can want someone without losing yourself. That safety and desire can coexist.
If You See Yourself Here
This push-pull - of wanting love but fearing its cost - is deeply human. Especially for those who had to grow up fast, stay emotionally guarded, or survive without consistent care.
If this speaks to you, you’re not broken.
Your nervous system adapted to what it knew.
And it can learn something new in the presence of steady, attuned relationship.
Sometimes, love starts not with another person - but with learning how to stay close to yourself.